On your toes

Measured to the last millimetre. This guy was a pro. If it weren't for these two nails: see here beneath both heals - hammered through this plank and reversed so they face upwards, he would have been strangulated by the noose attached here - mind the head - to the ceiling. Notice both the arms and legs are bound together with a seaman's like craft. He'd have tried balancing on his toes for a while, and when his leg muscles finally gave out, he'd be forced to balance on the nail tips. There'd have been a lot of screaming at this point - the unbearable pain and panic, etc.; hence his mouth was taped over. An impossible situation. Eventually the the body shuts down and he'd have passed out. No, our perp didn't want to kill him, he just wanted him to suffer for the sheer hell of it. The lipstick smile painted on the gag, the ill-fitting mankini and this ludicrous green wig suggest he's probably a bit of a joker too.

Why did it take so long before someone raised the alarm, I mean this guy wasn't exactly a nobody, he was a respected member of the business community - wasn't his wife in?

An astute observation, but we are not dealing with your average perp. Into account, everything was taken. In fact his wife did see him earlier that evening, but assumed it was part of some elaborate kinkiness - the lipstick, mankini, wig, etc. - and affected disinterest ... bordering on disdain if her witness statement is anything go by ... she'd caught him the previous day with his tadger in the jam jar; apparently, on being challenged, he claimed he couldn't find a clean spreading knife. As it turned out, there wasn't any clean cutlery, but her suspicions were aroused, if nothing else. Of course, gentleman, I expect strict discretion on this investigation and, as you rightly point out, Alpha-Alpha is an upstanding member of the business community and a fine example, to the rest of us, of the triumph of megalomania over talent. Mostly.

What do you make of the messages scrawled all over the walls in peanut butter Sarge?

Well, from their general coherence, correct spelling and grammar - notice also how neat the writing is - we are dealing with a highly intelligent individual. The peroration is superlative, though oddly superfluous. Probably went to school and read books - notice the clever use of onomatopoeia and the lovely alliteration over here. Also notice how the phrases "more importantly, how are you?" and "does this make you sad but incredibly proud?" are repeated over and over again, except these are written, unlike the others, in branded chocolate spread. Easily mistaken for excrement.

Shouldn't we let him down now and get him some medical attention?

Don't they teach you anything at rookie school? This isn't cop TV. Never disturb the crime scene: I want you walking on tippy-toes ... no, but seriously, I imagine he'll come round in a bit.

Excuse me Sarge, but quaters say they have never heard of a Sargent Joe Kerr Junior.

That's just my nickname, I'll have to be going now.