Wednesday, 17 February 2010

The emperor's new wardrobe malfunction

Put the new campaign ad on the 3-D screens would you QT?

A change of clothes that makes a difference.


Suits you Sir!

You're government consultant proprietary software processed electronic vote makes a difference in the strictly binary sense.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Twins: it takes two

They're odious: a necrotic emission - a terminal ejaculate - smeared upon the two-headed dildo that is the Gemini inspired bipolar condition: Batty-Rainman and Twaty-Robin. A decadent stickling succored betwixt two unmentionables; a bridge conjoining troubled viscosities.

Thursday, 4 February 2010

It's a mystery

It's hard to describe Alpha-Alpha. He's like a sudoku puzzle, wrapped in a cryptic crossword and hidden under a thick, bushy beard - the beard is a recent addendum to his agenda. Perhaps this incident will illustrate this man-shaped mystery for you: I happened to be walking home late one night, when I spotted Alpha-Alpha, slightly ahead, just in front of me and about to cross the cinder-highway, when all of a sudden, a group of hooded desert-chavs jumped out into the path of a fast approaching hydro-tram; in the process, catching a single maddening Munchkin and cleaving him - “it” - in two. The half that wasn't dragged under the hydro-tram wheels - mainly the upper torso a la Robert Shaw's character in Jaws - was still twitching its arms by the kerbside. Alpha-Alpha promptly went up to him and stomped on his head 'till the twitching was, alas, no more. Even today, and I have pondered it oft since, I could not tell whether this was an act of compassion, albeit of the brutal "tough love" kind, or just simply a case of irritation at having his journey interrupted by such crass and craven stupidity? I guess it could have been the blood and offal staining his jacket ... the dry cleaning bill? Pointless suing.

Perhaps we'll never know.

Anyway, thanks for coming to the interview for our new Crisis Manager's Assistant position here at Unlikely Solutions Limited.

What's your name by-the-way?

Mine's Alpha-Alpha, Executive Director.

I like to stand back and look at myself sometimes.

Monday, 1 February 2010

Give the dog a bone / wag the dog

Christ on a stick. You know what I just read on The Daily Mail website, huh? Malcolm, MALCOLM our biggest share holder, got caught raping his neighbour's dog. Yeah, he told the police the dog had escaped and he was just bringing Fido back when he fell over and his zipper was faulty and it wasn't what it looked like. Officer. The police forensics found claw marks all over his "pelvic region". I quote. Christ aloud. This is The Daily Mail. Do you know what their readers' hate more than child abusers, foreigners and socialists? People that interfere with animals. Except fox hunters. How do we put a positive spin on this?

Well, going into damage limitation mode: Malcolm has been under a lot of pressure recently, what with his fifth divorce, and, well, he loves animals. The stress ... the confusion ... a moment of madness? ... he gives generously to charity?

Irrational exuberance. Greenspan. Dot-com bubble? Excessive wagtail?

The, er, canine in question does bear a certain similarity to his third wife. May be there's an angle there and he's getting on - bit senile (could go with dementia? Parkinson's?) - eyesight - dark - few drinks - easy mistake?

A cry for help? He's from Texas? They do things differently there?

Cultural relativism?

I think you'll find that's species relativism.

Fox confusion incident? Huntington's disease?

Point of order: technically speaking - in "legalese" - how do you establish consent?

Woof, woof?

Down boy. Beg?

Roll over Rover?

Shit, we're fucked.