Give the dog a bone / wag the dog

Christ on a stick. You know what I just read on The Daily Mail website, huh? Malcolm, MALCOLM our biggest share holder, got caught raping his neighbour's dog. Yeah, he told the police the dog had escaped and he was just bringing Fido back when he fell over and his zipper was faulty and it wasn't what it looked like. Officer. The police forensics found claw marks all over his "pelvic region". I quote. Christ aloud. This is The Daily Mail. Do you know what their readers' hate more than child abusers, foreigners and socialists? People that interfere with animals. Except fox hunters. How do we put a positive spin on this?

Well, going into damage limitation mode: Malcolm has been under a lot of pressure recently, what with his fifth divorce, and, well, he loves animals. The stress ... the confusion ... a moment of madness? ... he gives generously to charity?

Irrational exuberance. Greenspan. Dot-com bubble? Excessive wagtail?

The, er, canine in question does bear a certain similarity to his third wife. May be there's an angle there and he's getting on - bit senile (could go with dementia? Parkinson's?) - eyesight - dark - few drinks - easy mistake?

A cry for help? He's from Texas? They do things differently there?

Cultural relativism?

I think you'll find that's species relativism.

Fox confusion incident? Huntington's disease?

Point of order: technically speaking - in "legalese" - how do you establish consent?

Woof, woof?

Down boy. Beg?

Roll over Rover?

Shit, we're fucked.