Thursday, 20 August 2009

"G" marks the spot

G-Man, otherwise known as a truncation of "Government Man" is a sobriquet of sorts, originating - perhaps apocryphally according to Wikipedia - from an incident in the early 1930's where a known felon, a gangster by the name of "Machine Gun" Kelly, was cornered like a dirty rat by federal agents and ...

Boring. Next.

G-Man, or indeed "Men", is a euphemism for an elusive sect of elite homosexuals in search of the - some say mythological - so-called sexual Shangri-La of the neural rich "G-spot" said to be located somewhere on the surface u-bend of the rectal cavity closest in proximity to the prostate gland; so I am given to understand. It is also said to have been discovered by a Professor P. G. Tipps, but I can find no reference to him, nor it, in the orthodox literature, though I do have some scribblings I took down from various lavatory cubicles I frequented in the course of my research.

Good grief, only the male of the species has the visual-spatial facility to superimpose, with the projectile aid of their inner eye, the letter "G" upon the contours of the lower bowel in order to create a marketable signature band identity for yet one more of their truly depraved activities. How do we, QT, exploit this to our profit?

Er, well, they say sex sells.

And I say they are right. Let me tell you how I envision it: in these times of austerity, a little of what tickles your fancy - continuous the breathless voiceover - does you good. Introducing the G-Man Route Finder Ticket for G-Men, the travel stimulus package that will drive you round the bend with ecstasy. I see the camera turn to several burly men - clearly gym monkeys - dressed as FBI agents in black leather stylised uniforms, with the ass cheeks cut out, gyrating to the latest improbable pop hit sung by an eight year old and penned by a balding, middle-aged man with gut hangover approaching his toes; an unhealthy combination of part-time sex-pest and full-time booze hound ... but I digress... suddenly a bendy bus pulls up - move to interior shot - another, hitherto unseen, cheek-less panted FBI agent, makes his way down the seat isle towards the automatic door exit. Brandishing his G-Man travel pass in his fingerless leather gloves, he stops, pauses, looks up and turns to the camera - close-up of his tanned, baby-smooth, moustachioed face - this is the money shot - and winks a heavily lashed lid as he says, "Here's where I get off, now that's the ticket!" Finally he egresses and we see him join the rest of the "law-enforcement group" in their repetitive gyrations as the camera fades to black. The music should continue a few seconds after the fadeout to leave our imagination to dwell on what we might have seen if censors didn't exist or hadn't been invented. Now if that's not a game changer, I don't know what is. Thoughts QT?

That's a very niche market to target for integrated ticketing improvements and the introduction of bendy buses.

Exactly. The mistake most pubic information campaigns make is that they target a majority audience; by targeting a subversive subset of a minority subset of the audience, it suggests to the rest of us - essentially those hetero car drivers on the "inside" lane looking "out" - a certain cache, edginess and exclusivity, nay transgressive thrill by proxy, to the very idea of bus travel. The forbidden lane. During peak hours that is. Hence encouraging modal shift. Speaking of which, have we secured the contract with the client? I do hate competitive tendering and all that "best value" guff.

Yes Alpha-Alpha, the strategic philanthropy department has dropped off the brown paper bag to the relevant junior transport minister. We also offered him a consulting position, should the next general election precipitately require him to reevaluate his career development. Otherwise, we are green to go.

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