Monday, 6 July 2009

Gherkins and merkins

Mike-Mike was an aesthetic enhancement technician at Unlikely Solutions Ltd. Mike-Mike was also a deviant of preternatural depravity. He was a no-holes-barred kind of guy. To be blunt. Some might think that an unkind comment. Why do you have to see the worst in people? Those people have never met Mike-Mike. At least in person. That is not to say Mike-Mike was unfamiliar with them. Nooooo. Far from it. His was the peeping face partially obscured by the shade of shrubbery and, more generally, the shady night. If one were to observe him in his nocturne habitat, say dogging, with the aid of night vision goggles, one would be unimpressed by the slight hunched figure, with his knapsack slung unseductively over his shoulder - a depository for drained batteries, belts, buckles and braces, clear plastic bags, gags, gherkins and merkins, and mutilated manikin parts (and I emphasise the "part" in parts).

Unfortunately - and that is a matter of dispute - the warming globe had shrunk the shrubbery. The cover for Mike-Mike's nefarious late night activities had dwindled to no more than a fig leaf. Now his only outlet was innuendo - or inyourendo as he annunciated it in the safe confines of the climate-controlled office environment (camouflage afforded by office plants adjacent to the water cooler). He was crude in the oleaginous sense, but definitely not slick.

He was also a "water sports enthusiast", according to his CV, which was strange, given its current scarcity.

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