Charity balls

I'm here to talk about humbleness, humility, modesty and strategic philanthropy, in what is quaintly termed, by the ordinary folk, the field of “charity”. I hate that word. Charity. It lacks reciprocity - giving without taking. Give and take are the capitalist foundations of this great, scorched earth: as we consume the world, it consumes us. See: take and give; give and take.

Let's talk balls.

Someone once said, “All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players.”

Well, I can't pretend to know about all those merelys, but, if this very stage I speak to you from, this very night, were considered a faithful approximation of reality, I would - as indeed I am - be the biggest player on it.

For, Ladies and Gentleman, I think I can safely assume you already know me as a player - the player; the game changer in a whole new ball game and the ball's in my court.

I think, in my own way, I'm trying to tell you I'm a big ball player.

But enough about me, I'm here tonight to talk about the little balls, those smaller balls left to one side, punctured by life, and then thrown away to be forgotten like, well, deflated things that are no longer good for anything, least of all the business of sports.

That is why I'm both sad, yet immensely proud, to the be sponsor, and host, of this gathering of the great and good on Red Ball Day, indeed, the world was red and round last time I checked, which was Tuesday, I believe - or am I confusing it with Mars .... they're both arid and almost uninhabitable ...

Anyway, I digress. I like to think of those I help as my very own little red balls, as, in a sense, they are, due to their overexposure to the sun's radiation, twined with their inability to afford sun-block and my use of them for casual, outdoor labour.

With that, I'd like to thank you all for painting your big balls red.

So let our night of celebrity personality entertainment begin.

Think of the burnt, deflated, little balls.

Give generously to my Red Ball Day Foundation.

Let's make it big, red and round.